08/08/21 - Across the Divide
[Yoake]
Yoake sat on her cushion next to the short table placed in the middle of her room, slumping onto it as she pushed some dishes aside, that aimless feeling creeping into her bones again as she just sat and watched time pass. Her spartan room had little amusement to distract her from things as she reflected on the previous night's conversation with Veldi and Blue. With a small sigh, she sat up straight and closed her eyes, making that skintight armor that she hid so carefully appear beneath her clothes, the mask's display overwhelming her view with readings of the mundane around her.
She sat silently for awhile, listening for any evidence of others talking before she hesitantly spoke. “….F'loki? Are you there?”
[F'loki]
The man in question jerked his head suddenly. Dressed in his usual suit, he had been directing Crowns personnel in the manor, and fully did not expect to suddenly receive a transmission.
Walking off somewhere by himself, he finally responded.
“What's going on? And why didn't you just send a message?”
[Yoake]
“…I do not know how. Veldi said I should speak to you.”
[F'loki]
“Fantastic….so what are we speaking about then?”
[Yoake]
“I… am not sure. She suggested perhaps you need someone to speak to. My life is quiet now. She would like me to stay safe so I have been avoiding anything that could be considered dangerous. That has left a hole for me to fill time.” She sounded unsure about having started this whole thing.
[F'loki]
“Yeah? Well, what do you do for fun? It might just be a lack of hobbies or something. Dunno how much free money you have but there's plenty you could do to fill some time. Where even are you right now?”
[Yoake]
“I am home in the room I rent. I am saving to move East and try not to spend much. I enjoy quiet games. I have spent much time at the Gold Saucer playing Mahjong. Eorzeans find the game difficult to learn though so I have tried to play Triple Triad. I go on small missions during the day as well. Ones that are available at the Adventurer's Guild.”
[F'loki]
“But you are bored…hmm…” He goes silent for a while, before snapping his fingers. “Actually, do you like kids?”
[Yoake]
“I do not dislike kids. Kids would likely think I am… dull.”
[F'loki]
“Nah kids are easy. As long as you can show them something new or different they will love you. Mahjong sounds pretty different! Might help to go out with a friend or two! Doesn't sound like you're doing much with anyone else these days.”
[Yoake]
“I am not. I mostly kept busy with work and did not have much time for friendships. Childhood friendships fell away with Doma. I am unused to a life where when I am done with work, I have energy left. I normally would just sleep when work was done due to exhaustion. But exhaustion does not come easily now.”
[F'loki]
“Well, luckily you're talking to a friend right now! We can do some things if you've gotta kill time. Would I mind sharing a few drinks either…wait! Did he tamper with your alcohol tolerance too?”
[Yoake]
“It feels like I can drink more, but I never drank very much. I have taken to drinking more for lack of better things to do. I find I have to order stronger drinks to feel like anything has happened.”
[F'loki]
“Well not to make it too obvious or anything, but I think you're mostly lonely right now. I uh…can't imagine what's it like having gone through what you have. I don't have any amazing lines to blow whatever bad things you're feeling away. You don't have to punish yourself because of what happened to you, and you don't really have to punish anyone else either. It's fine to be around people.”
He coughed.
“I might be projecting a bit because I had feelings like that after my…changes. It felt like everyone could just tell I was some kind of freak, and it hurt more because they were right. Real shite feeling too because anything you might say out loud can sound like whining.”
[Yoake]
She was quiet for a moment, reflecting on that. “I still have family. I am concerned they will not accept that I am alive. It is unnatural. I feel detached from myself. It is difficult for me to accept I am alive. Expecting them to accept it seems impossible. And Veldi finds it difficult to accept. She is afraid to let me live as I lived.”
“Anything I say seems like I am ungrateful to live. But I did not ask for this. Even if I want to, there are times I do not know if I should allow myself to accept it.”
[F'loki]
“Well why do you feel like you can't tell her how you feel? Why are you sure your family won't accept you?”
[Yoake]
“I have tried… but I failed her. I failed the mission and caused her to endure all these feelings. I owe it to her to try to live in an honorable way. To respect her wishes. And my family… In Doma we have certain beliefs about what happens when you pass. Rituals to direct the spirits floating to the afterlife. It is just… not the way of things to return. Nowhere is that the way it should be done. If they accept I live, my truth will be discounted. They will see me as having a weak mind. Traditions dictated much of the way I lived. It is also possible they may not believe me. Everyone says I am overthinking this. They may be right. But it is uncomfortable to face.”
[F'loki]
“You don't owe anyone anything except for yourself at this point. I witnessed how she was after what happened and…well, it was terrible. But that doesn't mean you owe her for it. As for your family…I can't really know them better than you. I'd just hope they would be happy you just being alive. If you fear it that much though….why not lie? Do they NEED to know what happened to you? Can they tell? I generally want to be truthful when it comes to family, but if it would cause such strife….why not lie? The only one hurt then is you.”
“As long as you die with that secret that is.”
[Yoake]
“My brother is a Twin. We were very close. I could keep the secret from my parents. Keeping it from him would feel like a silent betrayal. But we are adults now. I also cannot know his mind. Perhaps that bond has been broken.”
“He may have his own secrets now that we have been living apart.”
[F'loki]
“Siblings can be tricky.”
[Yoake]
“You have siblings then?”
[F'loki]
“Three. All younger, all stupid. One of them is connected to this call technically…well, the frequency anyway. It's how I got roped into all of this actually.”
[Yoake]
“Oh. Is it okay to talk like this on… This frequency? I do not wish to cause trouble. I admit I do not listen often to know the customs you all have.”
[F'loki]
“I've already separated our channels so it's fine. I figured you would want privacy.”
[Yoake]
She lets out a thoughtful hum. “Ah. Very well. Younger siblings are good at getting into trouble and being stupid. Even when they are minutes younger. It seems I have filled the role well,” she jokes. “You seem like you fill yours well too.”
[F'loki]
“I try but I've had a great deal of failure.”
“My girlfriend and sisters barely keep from stabbing each other, one of them all but worships a madman, and now one of them is randomly losing teeth in the middle of battlefields. Best I can do right now is hope they don't die before I get it together.”
[Yoake]
“They sounds like they have large personalities. They might feel crowded when together. Too many dinner guests at a small table can make it hard to enjoy the food.”
“Why is she losing teeth? Does she fight that much with the others? Is her health bad?”
[F'loki]
“I truly do not know. I'm probably afraid to know too. There is too much of everything going on, and honestly her being alive and not dying was my taking what I could get. She didn't seem overly concerned and freaking out before I know for sure it's bad for her is…likely to backfire.”
[Yoake]
“Do you want to freak out about it?”
[F'loki]
“Constantly. But it's not my life and after failing them in the first place I don't really get to just dictate things.”
[Yoake]
“So we both are failures,” she says with a breath of a chuckle. “You told me I do not owe Veldi anything for failing. Why do you owe them your silence? Instinct is important to follow.”
[F'loki]
“They've more or less made it known they do not appreciate it. I haven't been silent about it really, but I can't just force them.”
“So I just try to stay ready, you know?”
[Yoake]
“Right. So you had… the changes made to be involved with them? Or at least one of them?”
[F'loki]
“That's….more complicated. The short version is that I was kind of sold off in a sense by my sister. Our youngest couldn't move, and uh…the guy who worked on you claimed to be able to bring her back. He delivered, so I had no reason to refuse what he wanted me for. He decided making me like this was his pleasure. Still weaker than all of you apparently though.”
[Yoake]
“Was there something about you before the changes that made him want this for you? I… I wonder if it is just whoever is convenient or if there is some reason for you - for me to have this happen.”
“And I am sorry to ask these things. They are not easy for me to speak on. I do not know you feel,” she added quickly, apologetically.
[F'loki]
“Apparently we are all compatible with Alkaid’s aether or something, but I don’t think he actually wanted me specifically. I think he wanted my sisters. The more I think on it, the less it fits if he intended to use me as a weapon.”
“But he has managed to change all of my siblings in some way. It’s….a feeling. People don’t give out gifts for free, and these particular changes he introduced feel sinister when there’s no clear intention behind them. Feels like my entire family is trapped in a cage full of spikes but I’m the only one worried about getting stuck.”
[Yoake]
“That feeling is one that is constant. I was told I am not a slave. I was told I could do whatever I wished and live how I like. But the questions remain. Your voices when I wear this armor remain. I lost a meaningful life to Garleans once and do not wish to lose a second to another. But someone else's purpose is in my body and blood now. How can I not feel stuck?”
[F'loki]
“Pretty much. Even if I know in my head it’s right, it feels like…”
He drifts off, unable to find the words.
“Like some kind of indirect indoctrination! I’ve actually got an example too! There was a dispute here between some of the rougher workers recently. I tried my best to mediate like I usually do, yeah? But things were already heated, and punches went out. I wasn’t thinking it through, so I stepped in and took a couple hits to get them away from each other, and…sorry, this is just me whining about work. Right, I’ll cut to the point.”
He clears his throat.
“It took a long time to get them calmed down, but I did. And after…I wasn’t happy or satisfied. All I could think was that I easily could have just made them stop being so hostile. I have the strength. They hit me and all I could really register about it was how little it even hurt, like an afterthought. Am I still me, or am I turning into someone else? Either would be terrifying, and both make me feel that I might not be the best person to have this power. I have this vast strength—and worse, an intense desire to use it whenever I know it could be helpful. It’s like…I dunno…it’s like I’m fighting myself, but I can’t quite place why. Or maybe I can, but there are too many whys to count. Sorry again, I’m babbling.”
[Yoake]
She nodded even though he couldn't see, finding the validation of her feelings thrilling and refreshing.
“No, no - that is what it feels like. It is partially why I am concerned of this boredom. I do not know how strong I am yet. There have been nights where I feel so restless I begin testing things. Last week I was jumping off of higher and higher ledges to see if there was a point I might find it difficult to land. I fight in the Grindstone and I hesitate, wondering if the blows will actually harm me. There is discomfort in not knowing what you are and where your limits end.”
“I do not want to feel like a child who needs to resist eating a dessert meant for another time. I also do not want to feel the shame of giving in to it as well.”
[F'loki]
“Yeah I get that. Before all this happened I could barely face down one well armed imperial. Had to scrape and scrap for every ilm I got. Now I can crush rocks into dust in my palm and getting stabbed felt like a minor inconvenience. It’s…well you know. By the way, what do you know about us? I get you haven’t learned much but I don’t know just how in the dark you are.”
[Yoake]
“Veldi explained some of Eligor's religion he has created. I hardly know details about it. I imagine she purposely has not told me much. I did not return to him to ask questions for reasons you probably understand. I assume you are all a part of that. Beyond that and your voices…. I know nothing else.”
[F'loki]
“I’m not part of it but at least one of my sisters are. I just work for his…daughter…gods that sounds bad out loud. She’s a little twit but I can at least tell she means well and isn’t likely to get people killed with her ideas.”
[Yoake]
“His daughters…. They are difficult to tolerate. I knew I had.to leave Eligor's care quickly to avoid time with them,” she says with another light laugh.
“What do you do for her?”
[F'loki]
“She’s still got some of her father’s idealism? Stuck in her mannerisms which makes her…not a people person. I’m mostly okay at dealing with people so I do that, some organizational stuff, settle the rare dispute, help her look leader…er it the eyes of recruits. Mostly menial and mundane so that when she decides she wants to do something there's much less running around in confusion or questioning orders.”
“A lot of what keeps people around for noble goals are the little things we don't think about. I just try to keep people aware of the little pictures she draws so people can happily gobble down the big one she's trying to get them to help her make.”
[Yoake]
“I think a friend was speaking about her goals. Blue was trying to contact the woman responsible for the drug in order to somehow help his daughter with managing Eligor. I am trying to stay on the edge of it. But more and more people I meet are playing a part.”
[F'loki]
“Yeah, it's all a mess.”
[Yoake]
She pauses a moment before changing tack. “How many of us are connected together in this way?”
[F'loki]
“Should be five, although I've never heard one or seen them.”
[Yoake]
“I see. And what is it you talk about? I do not want to be a bother. I do think there is value in talking to others who have experienced these changes though.”
[F'loki]
“I haven't spoken to my little sister at all until recently. She was mad at me for reasons she hasn't made entirely clear just yet but mostly she just messages instructions at me. I've been around Alkaid quite a bit but we usually only talk about work on here. In person it's been more about her learning things about people. Fairly certain she has something approaching a phobia of being around too many of them.”
[Yoake]
“Then I shall not attempt to disturb the water here too much. I am not certain how I am to fit among you, but I am glad I spoke with you. The feeling of restlessness seems to have weakened some.”
[F'loki]
“I’m glad I was able to help a bit! No need to be shy about contacting anyone or talking here, but you know where I am if you want to just hang out. I can teach you how to open private channels or something.”
[Yoake]
She laughs. “Yes, that would be helpful. That man threw me into the water and expected me to swim on my own. I have figured out some of it, but there are mysteries left.”
[F'loki]
“Sounds about right. Oh, and that drink offer is still open too! Although I dunno how much you like Eorzean liquors.”
[Yoake]
“They are a poor version of what I am used to but I find once the alcohol burns my tongue enough I can tolerate anything. I look forward to it.”
[F'loki]
“Alright. Well I'll get back to work on my end. Take care.”
[Yoake]
“You as well. Try not to get into any fights with any rough workers.”
[F'loki]
“Yes ma’am.”
[Yoake]
Yoake let her armor hide itself away, laying back from her seated position at the small table and laying back on the floor, grinning as she looked up at the ceiling. She took a deep breath and sighed contentedly, relieved to have a reprieve from the usual swirling torrent of thoughts for once.
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